Random Stuff Right After A Dose Of Calamity Jane
Don't Wonder About Vessels
God. Is there, forever and ever. And He doesn't really bother if you've made a mistake over and over... He knows you're trying to change. And trying to, is already a big effort. Sometimes, you don't give yourself enough credit. And sometimes, its when you give too much. So many christians fall behind the two ends. If you wanna get closer to Him, leave it all down. Stop worrying how much He cares and how much He doesn't. Cause at the end of the day, it's not your mistakes that He's going to care about. It's how much you've tried to make the relationship work that He's concerned with.
He is like salt. And your life is like water. When you place the salt in and stir it, you won't see it, but it's still in it. You can taste it in the water. And when you boil down the water, You'll still get Him.
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Went to see a SAJC choir concert today. I actually preferred catching up with sec school buddies than the performance itself. (Maybe because it was held in that sajc lecture hall - it just drains out all the atmosphere for a performance when you realise you're sitting on hard plastic chairs with retractable study tables. ) We were just laughing and laughing non-stop at random things, just like how it used to be then.
We saw our old SAS choir start the introductory bit of the concert. And there was one song, they started:
"GAY." - choir chorused
*sh sniggers*
"GAY." - choir chorused again.
*Iven and I snigger*
"GAY." - better stop soon.
*we all burst out laughing*
"GEYLANG! sipaku GEYLANG!"
Hahaha.. okay that was random but it was funny. Only the three of us would laugh at such stupid stuff.
Daniel went to the concert with this girl, which I later found out was his girlfriend. WAH LAU. My mouth was agape the whole time. Anyway I can't lament about anything cause he and I aren't exactly on good terms... so I don't expect him to tell me. But watching him spending the whole time on his gf and no time on his friends made me contemplate.
I don't wanna have a stable relationship and diminish my time with friends. You know?
Okay sounds like I'm dissing him but I'm really not. Just that you grow from observing other people.
Crap. I sound damn emo these days.
Bug Bug Bug!
How do you make coffee man..
I found some coffee poweder stashed somewhere just now, and I thought, "Okay, let's make some to last me for tonight's VisCo paintings," and then I just dumped the powder in, added sugar and warm water, and it started to taste really really powdery. As if some of it just can't dissolve. So then I added milk from the fridge and it tasted abit better, but there was no aroma of coffee. It tasted like coffee, but it left a sting in my mouth, alongside the powdery bits... so yea... now you know I am such a nut when it comes to coffee.
Luckily there's nescafe packets for monkey butts like me.
Anyway I wanted to write some stuff about denial. But nothing comes into my head after I've planned it 30 minutes ago. Must be the fact that I still have 4 18 by 18 panels to paint and it's bugging me. Okay. I really loathe you VSC people all having your VSC holidays. Ergh.
ciao
Whenever it Came
I Want Tix To A Death Cab Gig
I think I created the disappointment myself. Anyway I won't talk much about it. The distance between us now is just so vast I didn't even notice it was there until now. Go find him instead. I know I'm not your type.
Anyway I love swimming man. Cause it destresses me... it's like, you can think of so much random stuff while swimming. I know its bad not to concentrate on your strokes during training. But, it's just me la...Eddie told us after training that Shi Yong is changing his course halfway into the semester. From Engineering to Business. Apparently they let colour-blinded him into an engine course that disallowed colour-blindness. And they just realise it. Haha, he's freaking pissed about it too.
Anyway I saw the sweater and goggles I lost at the pool in this restricted training room after polo, and I went "CRAP! I bought a new sweater for nothing!??"
..
I mean to myself la, I'm not a psycho okay... haha. I didn't ask for it back cause they were closing for the night. But I will soon.
Thanks Jon for your amazing advice. Heh. =]
Be Rad
Acceptance's music changed so much in 3 years. 'Lost Souls' and 'Phantoms' has really different styles. You wouldn't even know they were voxed by the same person.
Anyway, go check them out. They're really good.
I like the heaviness of the guitars in their music. It's awesome.
Apali Abi Paka
I'm so glad for everything that's in place yea?
You know when you feel really contented with the things that are working, and you're trying to make things that aren't work as well - but in a happy mood.
Went out with GM and Ernest today. Ahahaha... I think I'm probably a bad customer cause I kept trying things on and then telling the shopkeepers I'll consider and I'll walk off.. ahaha. But all in all, I'm glad I finally met up with them.
I'm glad cell is happening again. Like we are in the midst of trying to build it up again. And things are looking up, we're getting closer, spending more time with each other. Okay la, I admit, I've been really slack at cell the past month, but I'm glad I got into it. Cause you can feel da vibe happening man.. hahaha..
I'm willing to sacrifice time with ministry people, as long as we can get cell running right. Cause it's foundation.
Anyway, YK and I were talking about tea. Man. I really feel like trying Early Grey soon.. the only tea I have at home come in yellow boxes.
Ok it's 2.38 am and I have to meet Ernest at 7.30 later. So yea, I really have screwed up time management.
later!
Your Name
This week has been all about learning.
Learning about how important friendships are, from confrontations to people who gave disappointment. How things never usually turn out what you want.. situations, consequences, and problems have so much ups and downs, it makes you realise how life can be so radical in such a short period of time. Friends are just so important, you think they are always there for you, always there to make you happier, but it isn't. It's a two-way thing: you give a little, they give a little. We're trying to serve each other, not to turn our backs when a problem occurs. That's how true friends are. And It's comforting you know you have genuine people to back you up.
I've learnt about stuff about myself. About the expectations I give myself, and how to try giving it all up instead of trying to fufill it. I've been making this huge big plan for myself - how to respond to different people, how to react to different replies, how to pretend I'm interested in everything everyone says. But in the end, who am I trying to bluff? I know there's not going to be any of my real self in it. I'll be living in a the shadow of myself. It'll be so freaking fake that I'll just heave a sigh one day and let my world collaspe. So yea, from now on.. I'm gonna try as hard as I can to be normal. Take it or leave it. I can't please everyone.
Learning to be humble to God. I've been thinking that woah, now I'm in design school and stuff, it means I have the advantage of trying to pack God somewhere in the week. That's really wrong. How everything He did - how every person I made angry with me, I was angry with, and how I was angry with myself - it all just showed me how BIIIIGGG He is. You know? He can just change your life in an instance. Take away all the happiness and give you a jab of reality. And I always thought nothing would ever happen to me. Now that it has, it just makes you stop and ponder and reshuffle.
Like maybe one day, the sun would suddenly shine much brighter, then everyone would suddenly notice it's presence in their lives again, instead of neglecting it. You know when something has been there all the time in your life, you get an oh-it's-always-gonna-be-there-so i-shouldn't-care-much kind of attitude? Yea, when it shines brighter people would start to realise it's presence, it's neccesity in life, and how beautiful and majestic this sun had always been, except they never took time to ponder about it. Appreciate it, and fall in love with it once over. Like how we used to adore it when we were still young and innocent, when our little minds were still unaware of the outside world yet. That's how I felt with God this week.
Like how Liane said, it feels like as if we've aged a decade in a week.
Things change so fast, it just makes you jerk up and say, "woah, life can sometimes really expect alot more from me," and it's like a wake-up call. That you can do much better, learn much faster, and be much closer to God. If only you are willing.
Yesterday during service: Have we totally surrendered our lives to God? Or are we just recruiting Him to help us in our own plans?
Food for thought.
ciao.
Ignore If You Must.
I know you don't like me and stuff. Maybe cause I'm always being my worst self around you. But please just tell me straight in the face. Don't give me a cold shoulder and snub me off and stuff... it's freaking annoying. And I'm tired to try being nicer to you, cause you still think I'm some retard. And I agree that I am. But it's just tiring to try change that idea in your head. Forget it. You won't take this shit seriously anyway.
Just feeling really pissed that I was having mood swings this whole week.
I think it's the darkroom. How you spend so much time in darkness, losing all that vitamin E, inhaling all chemicals, and absorbing everyone's anxiety, it just made everything a little more depressing.
THAT'S WHY I AM SO GLAD THIS BLOCK IS OVER!
LIIIRRREEHHHZZZBIAN
Talking with Chris over dinner was quite an inspiration.
At least he made me see what I was doing wrong, and how I could change.
He's a great elder brother to all of us in the band. And I'm just glad I got to know such a dedicated teacher. Alongside people like Jenn of course. Haha, they are the juice of it all. You can have all the parts in place, but they're the people who'll start up the engine to make it run. The world needs to have more people like them. And that's why we're put under training to become such people. Whether we eventually be, who knows?
Yeah.. so things are pretty amazing at the moment. I remember telling Cheryl how I didn't know much about Chris even though he's supposed to be like my 'mentor'. But I guess it was just that we didn't had opportunities to talk. Now that we had, I'm glad he's the one in charge. And how God is working through him to us. :]
This period of time, is really a state of transition.
God knows how I feel.
People are changing the priorities in their relationships, I am trying to find that right time plan to firmly place down time for cell and church. And it's also time to finialize who I am. I told some people about it before. The struggle between the two polarities inside me - Crazy vs Quiet; the battle is coming to an end. I'll let God be the judge of who I really am.
It's so funny how I was nutty and retarded and ignorant and hurtful to people in the past. And then suddenly in sec 4, Mr understandable and quiet and mature and emo appeared inside me as an alter ego to all that I was. That guy is now taking control over the person I used to be. I'm just uncomfortable how it happened so quickly, and how change can throw you off your feet. There was a point of time when I was frightened of it. I didn't want it to happen. I thought I was becoming from an happy extrovert to an emo freak. And it freaked me out alot.
But now I know what God wants me to do - let it run its course. Let the transitions and changes happen. It's one thing to stay on this side of the trench and say, "Oh, I'm too frightened to jump, what if I fall?" and a total different thing to be over at the other side, smiling, and saying, "I've done it. I've made that leap of faith,"
Yeah, I guess it is a choice. A big one. But all in all, it's being with Him that matters right?
Wow, I sure miss blogging emo stuff. Ahahaha...
Anyway went with Faith to take photos in the morning. Today's route was Dhoby Ghaut > SMU > Little India > Bencoolen > Raffles City > Bugis > Little India > Arab Street. It was a nice walk and the photos turned out pretty good. Will post some up if my scanner ever gets to work... ahahaha.. I think Faith is a very commited girl. She's very dependable, and that's cool :]
Finally bought Hanif's Muse Cd. (You so owe me one =D)
So you steal it
Escape away with nothing
You try to feel it
But what you have is plastic
Your burned your pocket
And everything that's in it
On your search for something
That is real
Well if you need love
Take the time and be love
Breathe it out create love
See how things can turn
If you need love
Give yourself and be love
Breathe it out create love
See how things can turn
It's so empty
But your room is full of people
It's so quiet
But everyone's so loud
And if you need love
Take the time and be love
Breathe it out create love
See how things can turn
If you need love
Give yourself and be love
Breathe it out create love
See how things can turn
Inside your ruining the mood
You're singing solitude
Forgetting all you knew
So look, look into the mirror
Swallow all your fear
Believe it's really near
Plus One - Be Love
ahahahaha plus one rock socks... =]
They Told Me It Was Alright.
there's a tear in the fabric of your favorite dress
and i'm sneaking glances.
looking for the patterns in static
they start to make sense the longer i'm at it.
ivory lines lead
your heart is a river that flows from your chest
through every organ
your brain is the dam
and i am the fish who can't reach the core.
ivory lines lead
oh, instincts are misleading
you shouldn't think what you're feeling
they don't tell you what you know you should want.
ivory lines lead
Cornflakes for Supper
If I don't become a designer when I grow up, I think I might be an author.
Yeah. Seriously, an author.
Authors are cool in the sense they live in a life so filled with their own thoughts, it makes them look passive. You know? Those kind of people who have this deep, silent nonchalance about them that makes them so cool. Like those goateed people who always carry starbucks coffee in the morning, and walking around NYC. That's a cool life la.. haha. Especially when you're a famous designer and all that.
Anyway I would wanna be an author because It's awesome it you could type about the world.
Like in Grey's Anatomy, there was this guy who ate his novel cause he thought he wrote crap for more than 5 years. Authors can really get radical man... They are probably the world's most peculiar group of people. Haha...
Okay, I know Grey's Anatomy isn't a great analogy cause it's fiction. But yeah, so many people like them.. haha, they might as well be factual.
Hmmm, this post is obviously gibberish. Lol
sy
PS: For Joel - WOW I SAW JOEL TODAY AT BAYBEATS! hahahaaaa :]
A Very Long Blogpost.
I wanted to rant about alot of things these past few days. So I kinda stopped myself from opening blogger.com before I typed them all down. I needed a hiatus; not everyone knowing that I have something shoved up my ass. That's the reason I've not been blogging for awhile. Haha, you gotta cease when you become too judgemental on things! =]
Anyway, I'm just irritated that curriculum is eating into service time.
Now there's so limited time for church and life, I'm trying to make sure everything fits in properly. Rescheduling, rescheduling and writing and erasing over and over on my mental whiteboard.
Anyway, let's move on to more uplifting things..
Went to school today to collect GCE 'O' level first in art. (First is art? There were 3 of us who got A1s. So Hanif and I were cluesless why I was the lucky one to get it). Then Hooper - being the TOP boy of our batch - had to make a speech. And he used this hilarious example of us in sec 2 when we went to the old folk's home to rake leaves, and how the leaves kept messing up in the strong wind. Making him learn humility. There's nothing wrong with his example, just that it was weird to use that for his valendictorian speech. Haha...
Ms Chua wants to send our O Level pieces to the UOB Competition. So some of us are going back to secondary school during our term break to repaint some stuff. Haha, have to repaint my great grandmother cause her face turned totally green. Ms Chua says it's bad paint and oxidisation. Shuckks.. you know how you always wish time stops for a particular thing? Yeah, I wished it did on my artwork.
And Moses, I WILL BLOG THAT POST ABOUT SEC 4 ARTROOM FRENZY SOON. Hahahaha :]
BAYBEATS!
Met up with Mich and went down. I wanted to walk down to esplanade from Tangs, its possible right? I dunno... I just think everywhere is a walkable distance. Haha.. In the end we took a train and met up with Mings.
The Great Spy Experiment was awesome!!! Haha... I think the girl who shaved her head was funky. Haha... let's see a list of people I saw there... Shawn, Hanif, Darren, Mark, Raziz, Shannon, Simone, Carmen/Karmen, Gabriel, Evie, Jean and Justin.
Anyway mings was repeating peculiar over and over cause I told her my photog theme was peculiar people. Haha, she was randomly calling things peculiar. Haha... and it sounded so much like those neoprint machines where they repeat that girl's voice over and over. LOL
Okay, I took some weird shots. Dunno how it'll turn out.
Till then, biscuits own.
Glad I finally got a bible.. hahaha
=D
I See In Your Eyes
Aww this song is awesome. And all the girls in it are smashing... :]
Introvertic Limitations
I guess you were a beautiful letdown.
But that doesn't mean I don't like you anymore. No, cause you're still a great friend inside.
It feels like I've let down alot of people these days. It's the work schedule, and how I'm managing my time. Somehow it has made me lost alot of close connections with loads of people. Feels like I've rejected alot of times to spend with them. And instead work on my assignments, instead of trying to make things work with them.
For all of you that have felt disappointed by my distance from you. I'm truly sorry. And I'll definitely try to balance work with you.
I just read somewhere today that I'm psychologically an introvert.
From Coolidge (or whatever his name was):
"Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?"
Now I get what those long conversations I have with Ben over the phone are. Introversial talk. We get so deep into things, it freaks me out sometimes. Must be the fact that we're both introverts.
Oh, and if you're wondering about that picture; it's Jon from Sigur Ros. Doing what he's best known for doing. Violin bow on guitar. :]
Reconsider The Facts
I think there must be something wrong with me these days. Talking to people now is as hard as trying to manually skin off watermelons.
Something tells me its the workload.
Walked with Dilys and Hanif from one side of Changi Village to the other. It was probably a 10 km walk. Considering the fact we got lost for almost an hour in this factory estates. Hahaha... we were walking in circles and circles. And we tried to take some barbed wire outside the changi rehabilation center, and was stopped by a policeman. It was infringing security protocol by doing that.
Anyway at least we got some nice shots la. Haha..
Hanif and I are on an smsing spree. We are going to exploit our 1000 free monthly sms by chatting via text message. Haha, its stupid but it's free anyway. Beats calling each other and wasting $$. Smart eh?
I think Mike is a very nice guy. He makes an effort to know everyone and makes everyone feel comfortable. That's a good thing. It's easy to piss people off at a first impression, but you can tell he treats everyone with equal respect. Good character. Must learn from him.. haha.
Oh, and I miss our old design clique! We were finally having lunch together and I was laughing and laughing like crazy. Jing Ting is definitely THE girl with the humour embedded inside her. Hahaha. And Pepper (miss singing in tenor and alto with her while doing work), Sean Paul (and talking about stupid stuff), Clarence (for being a weirdo as he is.. LOL), Jing Ting (for our random complaining and stuff.. haha), Pearly (for our deep discussions about parenthood haha). Ahhh.. those good ol' days.
Anyway, I WILL post up some photos once I can get my scanner working. &%^&%*! Darn that bloody thing!
Canisters And Tanks
Whoooo... the mac is back! The battery is back and the notebook is in full usage.
This week has been rather uneventful; apart from the big sur of the two rolls of film Dilys and I didn't load properly, and it eventually ruined all our shots taken during last week.
So that meant that the 8km photo-taking walk with Hanif from Chinatown to Suntec the other day wasn't valid. &^%%*^$%&*.
Dilys kept her composure. While I was like NOO!! PICTURE No. 34 GONE! NOO!! PICTURE No. 22 GONE! in my head. And it went on and on and on. NOOOO!!!!! Quite devastating lor. Didn't even feel like talking to anyone. Just imagine losing a week's worth of work... and you can't salvage it. :/
The catch: If you think failure is too big for you, and you're evasive and scared and frightened by it, you'll fall much harder than the rest when it actually knocks on your door. It's alright to go totally wrong once in awhile, so it becomes like a checkpoint. You know? Like keeping yourself in check, so you don't get too overconfident with yourself.
Okay time to disappear...
*poofs*
Lights That Flicker Too Much.
I think it's something weird. And I don't know how to express it.
I always had time to compose myself, talk crap, and say stupid things that usually nobody care about. But yeah, I could compose myself.
But now it's a stutter. I dunno what to say, what to tell you, what to feel.
Ok this is all in a mess right now.
Later.
What. How.
Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
Forgive me if I stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, i've crossed you in hallways a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echos in every room
I would
That's what I'd do,
That's what I'd do to get through to you
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
King Of All Fruits, Jack Of All Trades.
I like how durian lingers on your fingertips after you eat it.
Alright. Durian might be gross to some of you, imagine forcefully grabbing a hankie from your pocket and then grasping it tightly over your nose, while flashing the King of All Fruits a disgusted look. You see the durian remain its composure. And you know you've lost - this battle against human and fruit - It's still going to be the king of fruits no matter if you like it or not.
Okay la... I'm exagerrating.
But to me, the durian IS the king of all fruits. It's creamy texture, it's yellow succulent flesh, and the refreshing salt water that comes after a hearty durian feast.. that is to really climb trees for. Haha..
There's this thing about the durian that's interesting: It's thorny and unappealing on the outside, but it stores so much great treasure below those shards of pointed green spikes.
1111109489028302nd Cool thing about God: He makes life in such a pattern that it repeats itself in the most practical of things. Like the durian, or a colourful frog, or a rambutan. These are things with an exterior totally opposite what they have inside. Like us humans, some people have beautiful bodies and so on. But deep inside, there's nothing but a hollow frame.
And then there's people who look like average joes and plain janes, but if you're willing to dig deep enough, you'll find a person in there more beautiful than angels. Radiating light and love that blinds you.
Have you heard of inertia?
Inertia works like reluctance to change from one momentum to another. Now take this theory, and put it on yourself when you've just moved into a new class. New classmates, new teachers, new friendships to bond. We'll all feel hesistant and reluctant to adapt to this new surrounding.
Inertia playing over there.
I was thinking about all these, and how God drops in hints and clues of a huge pattern in life. To let us know He exists.
Ok yea. Anyway PHOTOGRAPHY is COOL. But expensive. Spent $111 on it already. Haha.... maybe I'll post some works later.
.
Life. Life-pins. The common analogies all surge into one big picture.
SY wrote at 11:09 am