You Can Take It Or Leave It
This song is for you leaders.
John Reuben ft Matt Thiessen - Nuisance
So here we are in the same old spot,
knowing something needs to happen but our mouths are locked.
tongue tied, closed tight, sealed shut yup.
I tried hard,
but it just wouldn’t come up.
It's on the tip of my tongue,
it's in the front of my mind.
But the words were still so hard to find.
Finally the reality of things to come pushed me to the edge.
I jumped off the cliff into the abyss as I said,
I’m not trying to be a nuisance.
I just think we can do better than this.
That was simply my two cents.
You can, you can, take it or leave it.
The conversation lingered on and on,
Before I knew it, night had turned to dawn.
We'll be searching for the truth in all of this
ha, or are we debating, just to win the argument.
Cause none of us wanna hear about where we go wrong.
This song could easily be from me to you, or me to john.
Cause I have the potential, to be the guiltiest ha.
My greatest strength is also my strongest weakness.
Let's think about this path that we're taking,
Let's think about this future we're creating.
Let's think about this life that is fading,
Think about it
Come on, think about now
Lets think about this time we're spending,
Investing in monetary things that are ending.
Let's think about it then.
Let's think together.
Let's think about what we can do to make it better.
I’m not trying to be a nuisance.
I just think we can do better than this.
That was simply my two cents.
You can, you can, take it or leave it.
We can, we will do better than this.
PS: Matt Thiessen is amazing whoo
Obligations and Expectations
To the leaders and the people we look up to.
Sometimes, love can only bring us to so far.
A little more time, a little more understanding. And everything would have fallen in place.
Everything would have.
Venus in a Flytrap
Since I won't be around, I guess I'll leave you with a long post.
The weather is erratic today. The skies plummate rain, holds back, and does a drizzle, and then a deluge again. It's as if it's going through an emotional breakdown - Hanif says. And I agree, it does.
On rainy days like these, where the window-panes are trinkled with tiny water droplets, the rain showers slowly and silently outside, the smell of damp soil and rain fills the air. It's all good. It's quiet, and it's all good. It reminds me of those days when I was in primary school, and I would catch earthworms in ziplock bags with Asanul, and the maid I use to have would come fetch me after school, her scrawny figure huddling the large umbrella. And she would pass me a blue cap. I would wear that cap, and run in the rain and laugh just to spite her. I know she would eventually complain to my parents and I would get a scolding for being reckless, but I'd still do it. Cause I was me. I was happy, so happy I couldn't care less of the world.
That was 9 years ago. 9 years ago, I made promises with myself that I would never grow up. Never become a hard-hearted adult with their leather shoes and their long sleeves and emotionless faces. I will always remain happy and catch spiders and read books aloud all day long. But look where I am now.
I'm learning how to be all grown up.
I wish I could keep those old promises, but I can't.
Sometimes life expects alot out of us huh? I've always wanted to give my all for everything, I wanted to control everything. But it's not that way. Things and situations and consequences have amounted to this. This person growing up, this person aging, this person stepping into new thresholds he has never stepped on before.
Those days when things were more numbed, when I would not allow hurt to reach into me. I know I wasn't happy, but at least I wasn't allowing anyone in.
I remember when I grew a little older, I would lock myself up in the room. And cry. For no reason, and for all reasons. How I was being bullied in school, how I was bullying others back, how I pretended to be cool. With my untucked shirt and coarse language, how I went around hurting others with insults. How teachers always said I was useless, how my friends ganged up against me, how they backstabbed me. And when I went home I would feel so worn, cause I knew something was wrong with all these, but I don't know how to stop it. The times it hurt so much I would actually feel the stinging pain, gasping for breath, crying out to the little I knew about God then, how come it amounted to this.
So I thought of permanently ending everything.
If it wasn't for Ben, I would have really found those sleeping pills and ate them all.
If it wasn't for him, maybe I wouldn't even be here.
That was 2 years ago.
If i had really died then, then maybe I wouldn't even be here telling you how things are better.
It's been tougher than anything being Christian. There's been times where falling is inevitably harsh, and it's so messed up. I get these trials that I really don't want to have, and then I get stumbled on them. Really complicated relationships, really complicated situations, drawbacks, comebacks, it's been one helluva ride. But you know what, I'm so much more satisfied with myself and God. Cause in the process I got to know alot alot more about Him. And I pray alot more now, and I know there's a lot of things that just can't be scientific coincidences.. it's Him at work.
Sometimes God expects something out of you, that is bigger than what you think you can do. And you would struggle and gasp and hyperventilate to meet that mark, cause you promised someone and you promised yourself you wouldn't give up. And eventually you will get to it.
I did. And I am so glad I did.
16 years of radical living. All coming to an end. 16 years of doubts and pains and fear and insecurities. And He says let go of them all and embark on a new life with Him.
So here I go. The new year marks something different.
Something that's bigger than this.
Someone whose going to be better than what I am.
The rain starts pouring again, and the wind blows in gently. Red-tinted night sky, flickering lights on the opposite block, whispering crickets and sleeping children.
I'm really thankful for you. If it wasn't because of them, we wouldn't have gotten to know each other like we do now. So thanks for everything you've done, you should know who you are.
As for the ones I can't bear to face now. I thank you too, for trying. Disappointment is there.. and I know my feelings are undermined. So I let go. I'll keep a space just in case I get hurt again. I don't expect anyone to be there for me, and I certainly won't expect you to anymore. What is love when it is selfish? Nonetheless, thanks for trying.
It's a cold night. Take care of yourselves.
Sweaters for the posies and socks for the roses.
No. Higher.
Stupif Dumn Boy
I am seriously SHOCKED.
This is gotta be the first time anyone got something this crazy. A MOOKS SHIRT MAN.
It's a great way to end the year, to realise that out of bad things, good things happen. And no matter how minimal it might look compared to the struggles and obstacles in life, they are - afterall still, good.
There's gonna be work in progress for this soul.
Over And Under
As the year draws down to an end, I feel like I've aged alot.
I could rant all night but I won't. I'm tired enough these few days.
Everyday is a new challenge in itself. Every morning is fresh, and every night would be so stale. Now life's a monotonous cycle. I meet a group of friends, I laugh with the group of friends, and I go home with the group of friends. It's great in the sense, but then I don't have life.
Sy, sy, stop wearing your masks.
Stop pretending everything is okay. It really isn't.
I remember those days when I was so erratic. When I would talk really loud, and be blunt at people, and use all those vulgar words that I don't even dream about saying right now. That sy used to make crude jokes and talk bad about other people. He used to challenge teachers and his parents. That shan yu was bad, and rude, a tyrant and a loudmouth. He was a hooligan in the making.
But at least he was strong.
He wasn't like me, so world-weary and tired and weak. He was strong-willed.
If only you all had any idea how much I went through, to become who I am now. How much effort it took, to become like this now.
What would he say when he look at me now. Two years down the road in life.
Sometimes I look into the mirror and I can no longer see myself. I see this other person I've never seen before. Someone whose insecure, whose old friends have deserted him, whose barriers and masks he had spent a lifetime building are getting crashed down and broken into pieces. And no one's there to tell him what to do. This can't be me. Can it?
I would never have made a scene in front of people a year ago.
I would not have did what I did near anyone in sight.
I've never cried so badly this year than any.
I've never lost so many relatives at one go.
I would never have had feelings so strong for anyone before.
I've never been this bothered or hurt.
What kind of a guy would I turn into? Cause right now, I don't even know who I am. Sometimes I'm loud, sometimes I don't want to talk at all. Some things affect me more than I allow myself to show. Sometimes I pretend, sometimes I can't.
I hate the way I'm like this now. I want my old self. The one who didn't care and wouldn't be bothered and wouldn't be so affected. The one who hid things from everyone.
As this year comes to an end. I'm not yet sure of myself to say I'm happy.
It's time to make the fullest out of it.
Tohley Tohley
(from left)Helmut the Gummi Biker, Fartsy the White Ranger, A.B the Goggled Mantis
Helmut needs to talk to someone older than him. (or to a marshmellow)
Fartsy needs to get more money.
A.B needs more people to visit his blog and make them do hand-drawn self potraits for $10 and above.
Introducing our alter-egos.
(We actually thought of those names so please give us credit haha)
Six Days At The Bottom Of The Ocean
This is like my favourite video of ALL TIME. I want to go for one of their gigs man... In case you're wondering. Their Explosions In The Sky. And they're one of the things that give Texas a good name.
It's All Too Apt.
Sometimes, when you get lost in the crowd, the sense of lonliness deepens. And echoes in the depths of your heart with so much resonance.
Watching the people that pass you by. The ones smiling, holding hands, the ones giving out flyers, walking their dogs, sobbing, silent. So many emotions, bundled and entwined into one within a bustling street. I get lost in their faces, into their lives, and their joys and hurts. And I forget about mine for awhile.
I exchange smiles with some of them. Genuine smiles. Smiles without any obligations or pain or hurt behind it. And both of us look into each other's worlds for that instance. Those few seconds, or milliseconds, we both understood one another.
I know I am a dreamer. Do I not know I am a dreamer?
That's why I always am afraid that people judge me.
Please don't tell me to move on with my life, and that I'm not doing anything eventful.
Cause I don't believe in packing my schedule up with stuff and stuff and still feel meaningless after all of it.
I rather sit down one whole day with myself, and talk to God.
I don't know if I'm matured, or not. But I pray that I am. I pray for wisdom and maturity. Because now do I realise how much that is needed in everything.
That's not too complicated is it? Does it make me a complicated person? I hope not. Cause I'm just trying to be truthful to myself.
.
.
.
.
.
Hope it's not my obligation to blog about the band advance. But it's was good, honestly. Anyway, yesterday when I was waiting for someone at the train station I took out a Surrealism book I borrowed and got to see the very intricate details of Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights.
I am totally stunned and in love and intrigued by that artpiece. It's kinda dark and erotic so I shan't wanna put it up here but I was more in love with the concept it carried, and the amazing detailed brushstrokes. Right down to the very backdrop of the artwork. It's so awesome! Haha.. It's about us humans and what we might just become. So you might want to check it out here.
As for HK. We're living in this really small hostel. At first I didn't like it, but then I remembered how last time my Dad brought us backpacking to Paris and we had to sleep at this small hostel too with a window that reeked of pigeon faeces and stuff and this is really something like that. Hahahaha don't try to imagine it... so I guess it's no big deal on that part.
You Don't Have To Read This
Pain and truth that has never shed it's light on my life. Tears that won't stop, a heart that won't stop beating for Your name.
I've single-handedly screwed up my life.
I choose to take the painful path Lord. Cause it is the only way the least people get hurt.
I choose to be the one that's gonna feel the hurt and the pain.
I choose You and my life above my struggles. I am Yours for the taking Lord. So take all of me, broken and fragmented right now in a way that I never was.
God. You have my life in your hands. Take all of it.
And for those who've always been there for me, those that have never stopped believing in me. I am so thankful for all of you. And am honoured to be called your friend. I promise you I will walk through this and not wallow in my own self-pity. God as my witness, as my strength, and as my daddy, I won't give up.
Revolve Around Revolution
At least, this year is going end right. It's not a happy ending no, but at least there's going to be space to work from.
I only trust those few people.
And those few people will know who they are.
I'm sorry, but I'm going through something that only I can solve with myself. But of course I'm worried for some people, and I'm caring for some others. But all in all, I'm just trying to do my part.
---
Anyway, let's talk Thursdayism. (hahaha mings)
I'm gonna just write down the whole day cause I won't be around haha.
Woke up, and hooper and I made our way to Bishan to get this haircut at a place call Donald Duck cause he says he trust their 'semi-mohawks' there. Haha so I just followed and I wanted something pretty simple. Like a no-fringe (no fringe no fringe no flicking hair wwhooo) thing. In the end it was close. And we spent like 45 minutes deciding where to go. So in the end we finally finally decided to go to PP cause there's alot of salons and stuff around my area - but I've never tried any in my life. Haha..
And on the bus, there was this rrreeeeeeaaaaallly adorable baby boy who kept smiling and smiling at hooper over his mum's shoulder. And he was so happy the baby liked him and not me. And he was making this whole big deal about it and making baby faces at me. Damn, I hate him haha.
And we went to cut right. Ho ho, the hairdresser flirted with him. She was like
"Oh, are you like a panasian?"
"Yeah,"
"Your dad's ang moh?"
"Yeah,"
"Your mum's a chinese la?"
"Yeah,"
"Wow, what a shuai ge haha,"
Can you imagine. If only that happens to me -_-
And then we went to Velocity near his place and bought BK. And I shoved a kid's BK hat on his head, and he practically walked all the way home with it. Hahahaha it was hilarious cause he looked so stupid hahaha. And we saw another pair of kids and they were dressed in complimenting colour palettes it was uber cool. It was like watching a movie. And the boy kept pushing the girl off the pavement really hard.. and hooper said I must've been like that when he was younger.
And we finally went swimming, and then we were talking so deep, didn't realise it was 3.15. So I grabbed my stuff and went late to meet up Marcus and Shawn and Cheryl. And when I reached I think everyone was waiting for me so haha - sorry on my part there. And no one made comments on my hair! How interesting, cause I thought it was a rather funky haircut. And so we sat down with Marcus and he told us what to do for YCO and stuff.
And after Cheryl left (to cook or something with Evie? Some gathering thing I didn't know about) then Shawn and I took turns to erase lines on the christmas tree. And the Goblins! Oh there were two people I drew holding hands. But they both looked so demented it looked like they were goblins and we had a very funny time trying to correct them (higher crotch, more muscular arm, smaller head etc) aha..
And then Shawn left. And Marcus left to do some stuff. And I was doing and doing until I really wanted to PEEeeeeee. But I don't know where the toilet is and everything, and there were some SE ppl outside the room and I don't dare to go out. So I just kept retouching and retouching the .psd file until he came. And I thought I could leave, but Marcus said please do another ebanner.
Monstrosity!
So with my 80% full bladder I did it in a jiffy, and then rushed to the main church building to see if it was open with toilets. Nope, it was locked so ran all the way to the 10c toilet shack next to hawker haha.
And after that took 111 to town. And since I was s'pose to meet Chris at PS. I wanted to walk there. But then there was this whole festive traffic jam and everything so I waited 15 minutes for a bus that stopped quite far from PS. So I walked quite a long distance to PS. I think he waited for me for 2 hours or something and I felt really really bad, but he was okay with it.
And he noticed my hair and he said, "Your hairstyle super cute leh," Hahaha... I thought it was funky, not cute but he kept saying it and he asked me what I asked the barber to cut. Haha.. and we went subway to eat. And Starbucks to talk. He is comical. We walked pass NewUrbanMale and he said damn loudly, "This is the gay shop," Hahaha I cannot believe how blunt that was hahaha. Scully some fag inside come out and bash him ah..
And his car.. I must be leaving in the previous century cause side-mirrors can turn in this century! That is waaaaayyy cool. And he turned it for me, and they were alive! Chris was just laughing at my stupidity lor. (Thanks ah. Sy = Subject of Ridicule) And then Chris asked me to look around the other cars in the carpark. And realise almost all of them can do that -_- haha sorry I'm super slow.
He dropped me off at taka but it was close so I couldn't return my books.
So i walked back and one of the orchard christmas trees was malfunctioning and there were a whole lot of firemen around a curb opposite Heeren.
There you go, my day.
And I hope your day's gonna be more awesome and hip and cool and funky than mine. :]
Kway Chap/Cornflakes for Breakfast?
Kiss your kids before you leave for work. Cause apparently some of them will always remember that, even when they grow up. Like my brother, who woke up and told me something so random. And when he said it I remember how my parents kissed me when I was young too. And now 10 years down it's a whole different story, a whole new perspective to the idea of 'touch'. I've never been a 'touchy' person. Cherine says it's weird cause most of my friendster photos I'm not touching anyone. But I'm okay with that. Haha. I've got Don't Touch Me written all over my forehead.
Thursday morning. How fast time flies... Almost a week is gone just like that.
Youth Christmas outreach designs have been flooding in and out.
and a haircut at Donald Duck's (no fringe no fringe so I won't flick my fringe) later
Going hoop's place to swim after that.
more more more YCO meetups and work
By Thursday night, I will be able to heave a long sigh.
Friday's christmas shopping with hooper... whooo! Something uplifting. We both need entertainment.. Haha. Actually, so much money's going out but there's no income.. haiz. And I bet we're gonna walk all around vivo city without buying anything cause he's damn indecisive. Hahaha..
And then it's band advance.
I have very nice roommates. Seriously. At least I know I won't be bored. :]
Busy busy December.
Cafe Del Mar
We went starbucks last night after watching Happy Feet. Saw Amanda on the way and we just grabbed her and we headed down to the new starbucks (okay maybe not-so-new haha) next to swensens.
It's so funny cause inside, the lights are warm and cosy. The songs are all festive, and the christmas decorations are all up, the people are warm and friendly and glowing. The air is cold, like of that of a winter evening. It was like stepping into a random cafe in America during christmas time.
And we were laughing and joking and talking personal stuff like it was the best days of our lives.
Words are always easier than actions.
If only you knew that.
Whistles
28 more days to set this year right.
After dinner with the band that night I walked down to Dhoby Ghaut. And outside Plaza Sing, there were this array of trees dressed in tiny lights, and they shimmered in eyes of glowing gold. Beneath them were so many couples, and good friends, and mothers and their handheld children, some laughing, some taking pictures. And one of them just holding hands beneath the wide arms of gold and smiling at each other. I see their shadows blend into one before the dazzle, their eyes weren't visible in the darkness, but their love was to me.
Christmas is really coming. And it's time to be jovial and merry. Looking about all these things, really gotta wonder how christmas this year will be like. It should be a lonely one.
Life is simple. Life is complicated at the same time.
I'm tired. Tired of all this.
28 days before this year finally comes to a close.
And it already has been a dramatic period of time.
I don't want to pick fights anymore. I don't want to battle for my stand, and against myself, and against the people around anymore. Some things don't change, and they never will, and I don't want to be sympathized or patronized. What right do i have to break happiness, so that I get a brief gasp of compassion and understanding, and then let things go back to how it was? I don't have the right. I don't deserve to have my feelings known.
I'm just glad that some things don't change. Some friends still come back to you at the end of the day to hear your advice and trust you to make the days ahead it sound better.
It's an evening where the urge of sleep comes hauntingly, listening to the sounds of Jason Morant's rough vocals as he sings his love song to God, wishing I had that faith to sing it too. Listening to the ghostly sounds of the girl whose sings with Damien Rice in 9 Crimes. I feel like dreaming. Dreaming of a better life, a better cause somewhere else. The skies are darkening, another day is gently falling asleep. Another turn of the clock, another 12 hours of quiet sounds and hushed movements.
Another lapse of time to ponder, consider, wonder, my friends.
28 more days to set this year right.
5 Golden Rings
Christmas comes early this year. :]
Seems like every light and decoration in town is up, and every TV campaign is about christmas present giveaways.
Wheee wooo wheeeee!
And this year's gonna be different cause I'm away for Christmas.
That's pretty neat. (I need a breather see)
Digged up some old Sufjan Stevens christmas albums to get into the mood!
And of course, I'm in the christmas-happy-generous-give-it-all mood today so I'm giving it to you all :D
Sufjan Stevens - Songs for Christmas v.1
Sufjan Stevens - Songs for Christmas v.2
Sufjan Stevens - Songs for Christmas v. 3
Sufjan Stevens - Songs for Christmas v.4
Sufjan Stevens - Songs for Christmas v. 5
Sufjan's pretty folk so I don't know if you'll like his rendition of the songs.
But it makes me happy so I don't see why not to you. Haha..
