The Randomness Of It All
I feel very very happy today :]
It's as if everything fell into place, and the world slowed down to an oblivious whirl. It's His peace, that fills my heart as I moved across this week in an ultra slow, quirky yet mundane kinda way.
This week,
I like listening to the soft rummings of construction machines in the distance after jogging, and lie on my bed in the cold afternoon storm, reading novels. The obscured ears listening to Michael Buble and Rickie Lee Jones late in the night, praying and reading the bible before sleeping. Going out with friends and laughing at crazy things that wouldn't matter. Dreaming about oversized cockroaches and bursting bladders, haha, the randomness of it all.
Just the simple things in life that work can snatch away from you.
It's this life or reflection and restoration that counts.
After a crazy period in time, when everything's been slowly tearing you down, it's the times like these with Daddy that really charges you up with new fire, and new spirit.
I don't know why I decided to go on that break last Saturday.
Maybe because stuff happened a specific person and I, or maybe not. Or maybe I was just tired of going and facing my commitments when I know honestly I hold burdens that comes inevitable with maturing friendships. But because I don't want to sound like a broken record, going monotonously about feeling good, having uncertainty, feeling bad, and then good again. There's just more to life than that. And once I asked myself; is being happy just a delusional state of mind that people have when they actually are running away from the problems that they all face?
And I know it isn't really. It's just looking on the brighter side of things.
I've learnt to do that this week.
To look at something bigger than the burdens. To really take out that plank in my eye, and look at things from a God-given perspective. To sort things out within me that I thought had all blown over, when all along it was beneath the surface of my mind; churning and churning continuously, and pulling me back from being a free man.
You know, sometimes that pain and hurt builds and builds, and you would think it's all over, but it isn't. It just stays there, somewhere inside our hearts like magma beneath the earth's crust, waiting for a chance to cause a volcanic catastrophe in our lives. And we carry on, thinking that life's just the same as long as we fit back into the pace of our lives, bombarding ourselves with life. But does that hurt really fade away?
I'm glad that I took that honest step of faith and relinquished my church responsibilities, to try and find Him as my centre again, and not move on without leaving a final mark of a closing chapter in my life.
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I was talking to Gab just now, and now I really want an LCA+ and try making pinhole matchboxes and do something lomo-ish. So I went to load up the holga with 120 mm film, and that took me ONE HOUR. Hahahahahaahaha, cause I would put in the roll and forget the mask, or I would put the wrong cover. So I went in and out of my room trying to fix everything with instructions off the internet and with Steph's help over msn. Haha, I'm so grateful she was online. So asically I squatted at my closet over and over and over again trying to load it. What a loser right.. hahahahahaha
I'm content, so peaced out, that there's nothing else can take this away right now, not even that storm trashing outside my room. :] My God's peace, right in here somewhere, after all these crazy weeks and months, He's taught me what I know so that I will never ever fall back to where I came from.
And fundamentally, at the very core of it,
It's Him. And I might not have understood it before, but I understand now,
that it's all about Him.
Ish My Friend
Zonked out to be doing any work right now, cause school's starting next week. This week was supposed to be some R&R to get the creative juices running again. But well... it's been tensed and caught up here and there, so there wasn't really any peaceful, tranquil state of hiatus.
Nonetheless, we did manage to go to sentosa. Heh, despite the cold early morning downpour. I was very disappointed at it at first, and Shawn Paul texted me and I really dunno if the outing was still commencing. Anyway only 7 of us showed up, guess all of us kinda had the shrug-it-off mentality about the numbers.
Oh and tomorrow's supposed to be Deniece's birthday, so we went Ben and Jerry's (Phishfood and Strawberry Cheesecake for the win) to do a surprise birthday song for her... She got a Crunchie combo pack from Candy Empire and this funny spanner necklace from Wendy. Haha, I like obscure jewelery... maybe next time I'll chain up my cellophane tape and wear it or something, it'd be really cool.
When lifehuards sit there by the pool or the beach and they just look around. It looks dead boring, but I heard it's very good moolah. Wonder what do they talk about. I mean if they spend 8 hours on the bench, sitting next to another lifeguard, you oughta have run out of conversational topics after 5 working days. Hope they don't like talk about the people they 'guard', like maybe this guy can't swim or that girl has a funny nose or something. Cause it'll just be sad. Real sad.
Anyway I'm watching House and it looks pretty good so far. Hahaha..
Dosen't mean I'll download it..
PS: The book of Obadiah really hit me just now. I really thank Daddy for everything, even the opportunities He's given me. Even though I don't wanna face some stuff, He's always there to nudge me to do something about it. And I really am gonna continue burning in His spirit.
Spidey To The Rescue Of Commercial Land!
Golden Child?
You really went too far out today.
It's the most stabbing things you said to me since I can remember.
But I'll try to forgive you for the millionth time.
Closed Kitchen Shutters
Wouldn't it be fun to run a kitchen? Pui, I mean restaurant?
I mean yea I know; conventional wisdom depicts that 95% of restaurants fail in their first year (though it's actually closer to 26%) and that makes entrepreneurship seem all the more slap-in-your-face sometimes.
I remember once we were having an all-nighter at Hoop's place and they aired this show on channel 5 called 'Kitchen Confidential'. It's really a very libertarianism/political/social humour kind of comedy sitcom(yea.. pretty dark and naughty.. haha). And I was just checking it out just now, sad to say they've canceled the show for good after a meager 13 episodes! I'm sure anyone would've enjoyed it. They showcase those celebrities you recognize but never know the names of, and I like watching celebritiesyourecognizebutneverknowthenamesof, so it's really a pity man...
So, a little tribute to the show that's really gonna be awesome but was cut off. If you reckon you'd like to watch the very short season I have the videos on my com, so I'll pass it to you. :]
Anyway I was talking about running a restaurant before I digressed.
I don't think it's easy to run a good dining outlet. I mean first you need like good employees and chefs, chic ambience, then the tools and ovens and stuff, paintings, good location, fantastic food, classy appearances, and the list goes on. But I think at the end of the day, when you're put out front to serve customers and see their satisfied stomachs and smiling faces, it's really gonna be worth it. Imagine owning a decent restaurant maybe somewhere along Duxton Hill, having brisk business on a tuesday night, and rushing in and out managing the flow of orders coming out from the kitchen. It's AWESOME.
Haha, I don't know, I just have a knack for human resource and stuff like that. I like seeing things run in order and efficiency and yet able to churn out good results.
Summer Comes.
Summer comes.
God made my favourite weather today.
The clouds are dark and ominous as they clutter across the skies, the thunder growls soothingly, and the wind blows through the slit of my windows, bringing along the smell of the sea and rain. It's dark, yet behind the dim facade lies the glaring sun. And at this moment, you feel the sky await in anticipation, the clouds hold their breath, just waiting for Daddy to give the signal.
To pour His showering water across the plain.
To try to clean up and wash away the stains and pain we've engendered on one another.
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I'm taking a break. I think I need some time to reflect and register. To rearrange the people in my life, get to know people that are matters to me, and finally let go of some that I no longer have the heart to understand.
It's time for a well-deserved hiatus.
Summer comes.
My Feet, Accolade My Heart.
Please, go get a copy of Babel's OST.
The tracks from the film are awesome. You'll hear music from composers like Los Tucanes, Gustavo Santaolalla and Chavela Vargas. The music is deeply reflective, widely variable and extremely well put together. The compositions are tight and the music stirs in great rhythmn and flow. From classical to tribal, from German to Mexican flare to Asian strings, the world's music is compiled into this 2 CD pack. Awesome awesome awesome piece.
And my personal favourite song would be Ryuichi Sakamoto's Bibo No Aozora, which is concocted into the ending of the film where you see the Japanese girl hold her father in a tight embrace. Babel's a masterpiece of human strength and will, you would be missing out if you haven't got to watch it. Apparently Marco says it's a subtle discrimination against the US government, and it could be really. But what's more important is that you'll walk out of it with a deeper understanding on the multitudes of various human ethnicity and culture. I highly recommend it man.. haha..
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And I have a Wishlist... just something I was thinking of.
Horizon S3 U-500 panoramic camera
Nikon D40X
I really need to get a DSLR soon. Very very soon. It's time to start living on grass and air and water to SAVE.
2001
Fine Jersey
Short Sleeve T-Shirt
by American Apparel
There's a reason why Threadless Select shirts are only printed on this basic tees series. They're the most comfortable and durable tees I've known and I really wanna get the 3-Pack or 7-pack one that they have selling at Americanapparel.com
Feist - Let It Die
And awesome album by Feist. I think the best one yet.
A lifetime's supply of Grafik magazines.
This is my favourite graphic design mag of all time! Sadly it's not imported into Singapore, and Basheer once brought them in from the UK, but they no longer do.
And of course.....
WHOOOOOOOO *screams and goes crazy*
I would go if anyone's up for the price and we stick to a diet of all veggies and we get like awesome friends to go along. Haha.
Darkness
It's only after I've made the book, went to have it binded and returned, pasted the photos, then did I realize how bad my whole Darkroom Processes book was. The models are great, but my photography skills are crap. It looked so plain and dull and not dynamic, compared to the many other people's in class.
Seriously. I don't feel like I've any talent to actually be a VSC Year 2.
As for tomorrow's presentation, I really don't know what to say about the book other than I've tried my best.
The Number 34
Long Post Alert
I feel good today. :]
Let me explain slowly slowly why I feel so happy today. But first, I wanna start off with a BIG THANK YOU to God. Very very very grateful for all that He has done and blessed me with all these past 2 weeks. Even when it was tough and rough He has been faithful, all along by my side. Won't say too much more, but it was a dramatic Saturday night. Thank you Lord. :]
I digress alot when I blog. So I'm trying to keep up my pace... haha...
Okay, moving on...
I have finally finished all 25 of my prints! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ahahahahahaha. This is a really really big sigh of relief for me. It marks the NEARING ending of a very very tough few weeks, and how it went back to back to back with fuel camp to countless photography outing shots to long tiring nights of print processing. It's just owrht capering around and around and around.
Finally took a break off today and went to watch Number 23 with hoops. Hahaha it was an awesome movie. Very expected twist-sequence though, which was quite a disappointment. But nonetheless Jim Carry not being portrayed as some slap-stick, superficial comedic protagonist for once is very refreshing. He's a great actor la... After the movie hoops and I were looking for our own number to obsess over, and we both thought of 17. So 17 = 17 = 34. Our number was 34.
And hooper (being the smart-brains JC student), actually found quite a few 34s here and there. Like on buses and stuff. He did the equations, while I did my part of smiling and shaking my head. It was a good chilling time hanging out with a good friend instead of like one huge mob and you have to constantly be thinking of interesting things to say and stuff like that. You know what I mean? Like when you're the funnybone of the clique, there's always the expectations of you doing something whacky or say something random to entertain everyone else, and for once I could just forget about being that funny Helmut and be myself. Ahhh, awesome breather.
Some people really have very elaborately planned birthdays. And that's all I will say. Just being more important and having a bigger role automatically means you have a recognized birthday and everyone's flocking for a piece of the celebration. It's just the way of life. And I find this thought very interesting. I'm not jealous or envious or anything, I just find that sometimes people like the cleaner auntie or the quiet and shy girl in church or school or anywhere deserves a huge celebration cause their equally as important. Funny way things go ain't it? Haha..
Darkroom people ARE THE FAMILY. We are just the most crazy bunch of people in school.
I piggybacked Kelle in a piggyback race against Wanky and Amanda. I could carry Ferooze on my back for a bit i'mnotkidding.
And Ferooze led us as we capered and danced around our darkroom chemical basin like wild monkeys at the songs on the radio. It was practically like a club in there, cause everyone was on this temporal high.. hahahaha...
Jaslyn is Dinosaur Girl now... ahahahahaha... and we said Chee Yong - whose in love with contrasty photos - must really like her cause she's a living proof of contrast; black attire with white pale skin.
We hid from the security guards and shouted randomly at the camp committee members downstairs.
We goofed around with the coke machine hoping to make it cheat out an extra bottle of coke for us.
We ate cup noodles constantly, and listened to stories that Chee Yong told us about our seniors in design school.
The constant BOOs! We do to one another in the blackness of the darkroom, and the HUGE amounts of singing and screaming that Nart and I and a few others do.
That's why this Darkroom Processes module might cost a bomb, waste a whole lot of precious time, take alot out of our health, override my fitness-training times, make us crazy and deranged and walking zombies.....
but it's all worth it. Every single second of laughter and fun, is all worth it. Love them all. :]
Tomorrow we're having prayer walk in school with Ps Jenn. And I'm really looking forward to praying for our school in a tangible and physical way. I think my prayers for school have been rather generically non-persistent, and it's not what we want out of it... So I'm really going to press on in prayer too. By leaps and bounds and high jumps and aeroplane flights.... hahahaha so random....
Nat and I are going to watch Freedom Writers... whoooo... Or so I think hahaha, really looking forward to watching it.
I feel very very happy after sending my pants for alteration. I really have no idea why but it just makes me happy. And Faith is going Taiwan after this module (have a good time there yo 'bro' hahahaha) and I asked her if there were any nice white pointed shoes and red cardigans (not the grandpa sweater kinds) if she could get them for me, and she might! Whoooo.. oh and the clique wanna go shopping after the module. Hahahaha madness man I tell you. But yea of course it's great to hear la. Somehow I've became quite Aaron when it comes to the notion of shopping; it could be fun if you try to make it work for you. So yea, I'm well girlfriend-trained already. *big grin*
Annnnd I'm just glad God has given me a new people to have gotten to know better and stuff. I'm beginning to know alot more, and I've a bro in Christ that I recently got to know very very well. Amazing how Daddy puts people in our lives that can help change things. :]
Okay! Finally the long post is finished. And I mark off here with a goodnight. It's late and the diminishing orange clouds are revealing a darker shade of black opal... will post some more design works and photography stuff along the way.
Ciao
4 Indie Films
Here are some good indie (or not so indie) films that I wanna catch.
THEY ARE REALLY GOOD.
Or they sound really good. And we're always watching big epic films and stuff, and it bugs me. Sometimes movies are just so simple, that they can bring a message across without having to be high-budget, CG, bluescreens and all the hollywood gizmos that you see some films have.
Remember Little Miss Sunshine? Or Little Children? They are both low-profile films that got highly acclaimed. Though it's sad I've missed watching both. Haiz.... fundadoodledoo...
--------------------------- no. 1
Cages
Cages is our very own local production. A name you'll know is Tan Kheng Hua, who plays the protagonist Ali. Cages is a moving film about a father and daughter's unspoken love and relationship, the fears and lonliness in our childhood, and how desperation sometimes pulls us to bond closer with the people we might have forgotton.
--------------------------- no. 2
Eternal Summer
How close is close in a friendship? How bonded are you with someone that every single humane obstruction is minute compared to the love for someone else?
Eternal Summer is an extremely well crafted movie about the friendship of two young men, which began to come into question when a girl comes into the picture, and how love transcends gender and regulations.
--------------------------- no. 3
Jesus Camp
Jesus Camp is a documentary film about the huge Christian movement in America. And how children are being trained to being the keys of God's Word is this new generation of decadence. The film talks about how influential Christianity is becoming among children ministries and throughout America. A highly debatable film; are kids prepared and mature enough to be equipped to become evangelistic leaders? Are they not burning with the passion of God? The condemnation of the secular society towards the christian movement? An award-winning movie that will shed some light for me towards the extent of commitment we are willing to give in glorifying Him. Must must watch.
--------------------------- no. 4
Freedom Writers
In some places, people are still condemned by race, religion and gender. Such a place is Longbeach. The disputes and war that strives on between races are still not over. Some people still judge others by their racial orientations. A movie about the teen angst that is unhealthily placed on racial condemnation amongst one another, and how one teacher is trying to change all that. Time to listen to the freedom writers.
So here are 4 to catch. Maybe after this crazy block is over, I'll go catch them.
By Faith.
The earth, will soon dissolve like snow. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead. By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith. By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. By faith Abraham, even though he was past age—and Sarah herself was barren—was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise. And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore. All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned."Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death. By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future. By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph's sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff. By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions about his bones. By faith Moses' parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king's edict. By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh's daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28By faith he kept the Passover and the sprinkling of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel. By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned. By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days. By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient. And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground. These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.
The sun refuse to shine
But God who called me here below
Will be forever mine.Chris Tomlin - Amazing Love (My Chains Are Gone)
***
When the night seeps in through the clouds, there is nothing.
Vacant is the twilight sky, painted with an array of sparkling lights.
Look at the stars, look how they dance.
They dance,
They dance,
They slip on their magnificent dazzling dresses, and caper around in the blackness, like innocent children that knew no better.
And we sit here, amazed by their performance. And enthralled by their glowing joy.
Each of them has a name that our Father gave, and each of them unique and beautiful.
Just like us,
Just like us,
We shall sit here, by the whispering sea. Lying with our backs in the sand, smiling and laughing at the aeroplanes the crawl past in the clouds above.
The music plays soft piano tones of Amazing Love, and we hum in tune quietly.
With our hands held,
Our hands held,
Tonight. Is all we shall have.
***
Hebrews 11
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.
Dreaming And Asunder
One day, you will understand why I chose this step, and stuck to it so much.
One day, when we're older, when we have traded our jeans for long formal pants and have wives and children of our own, you will understand what life means to me. What the family means to me.
But for now, I only pray for your understanding.
I don't have anymore strength to try to make you see how I'm still your older son.
The one who can't make you smile, but at least tries to.
Ahleeah
I saw stars sparkling.
Sitting alone by the playground at 1.30 am. Looking above into the skies, and seeing the dotted lights dancing and shimmering. They aren't satellites, they aren't specks of glowing man-made machines; they were God's handmade stars.
It's been a tough long week. And it's going to continue into the the weekend to come.
Helmut forces his way out during the late nights in the dark room, and I would relinquish my composure to become this super whacky and loud guy. And I think everyone's more or less irritated by my continuous singing and shaking and dancing.. hahahaha... but yet we tend to forgive each other. I know once Darkroom is over, I'll miss it tons. And everyone in it who stays up late into the night every night, before getting chased out by Mr Silar our friendly security guard. We will all miss it tons.
Tonight we stayed over and Clarence was scaring me with all those fake facts about photo processing (It'll turn yellow under the lightbox, the negatives got scratch etc.). Carmen took alot of nudity of her sister, which made me cover my eyes alot when she displayed it for Chee Yong. Some girls brought in their boyfriends yesterday, and they mugged around their girlfriends until they left; not uttering a word to Kevin or me. Shona has amazingly beautiful prints cause her theme is so amazingly beautiful and photography-y.
I'm spending at least 300 bucks on this module. And I tell myself everyday that it's worth it.
It's worth all the early mornings and the late nights. the massive amount of prints that go to waste, the amount of cab fare here and there, the missing out in the family. I pray to Him everyday for His strength and for His assurance that it's worth it.
All the best for the people during worship. We might've tons of things in our hearts, but it's God in the center that counts. And I'm praying for everyone to have more faith :] Faith faith faith! It's time for me to be a better son to God, and not let schoolwork bombard my time with Him. Honestly I've not been very close to Dad cause of the times I'm in school. But I will always continue to stand firm and strong in His word and His will. No matter how people judge me or look at me.
I might no longer take initiative and I don't have time or energy to care anymore where this is going to go, but I'm still praying for you.
Darkroom, Darkroom
We stay up in school till 2/3 am almost every night, trying to finish our work.
Kelle, Amanda, Kevin, Alia, Ferooze, Dilys and I, standing in the darkroom for hours and hours trying to wash the perfect prints for Chee Yong. From 12 pm to 2 am, we stay by our trays and agitate our prints, we rush in and out, developing negatives, enlarging them, waiting for enlargers and on and on. There's always hardly time to sit down and catch a breather.
At the end of it, today was a disaster. The chemicals were somehow not proportioned correctly, and none of the prints came out right. All of them turned yellow in the light, and it was really discouraging. I spent the whole afternoon waiting for an enlarger, developing and getting ready, spending overtime in the darkroom, way after tp was closed, and yet the prints that came out were trash.
So we decided to call it off a bit earlier today, and pray tomorrow we can have time to reprint them.
Our hands smell of the pungent chemicals, our eyes sore. Kelle would fall asleep while agitating, her hand still limply touching her tray. Our fingernails are dry from the acid that eats into our skin. Itchy, red, and sensitive skin dominate the surface of our hands. Extremely exhausted after every night, and yet having to wake up early every morning.
Every night, Kelle, Kevin and I would cab back home together. $7.50 every night spent cabbing home, with pleasure of the midnight surcharge. Extra money on our dinners and snacks and drinks. I'm not given that much for allowance a day, and the cost of living far from school eats slowly into my savings. I wouldn't have any by the end of this week. I'm getting a bad sore throat, but we can't afford to get sick.
This is life for now.
And even though it sounds super crappy and tiring and exasperating, it's great to be able to share it with friends. The times we joke and laugh as we listen to the radio, and singing aloud old songs at night when the school is empty. Playing piggyback, spilling our supposed-cup-noodle-dinners, buying snacks for one another, advising each other on our works.
And while we were busy doing all this, YK passed me a card.
"Thanks for being a great friend for 5-6 years, more to come,"
And it's the little encouragement like this that makes you peservere. :]
Darkroom might sap all of my energy, but it's surprisingly satisfying.
And right now, I'm gonna bring this overworked self to sleep.
Tonight,
Tonight, a girl is singing somewhere upstairs. Her voice echoes and resonates through the residential block. The car park below is lifeless, the birds are asleep, and the still night is painted with orange clouds, ready to blow pass our skyline like the people that brush by us across an occupied street and leave without a second glance.
Keep holding on, cause you know we'll make it through, make it through
Just stay strong, cause you know I'm here for you, here for you
She sings.
And at the moment I know that I can't let go.
There are times when everything lies still and everything is almost good.
And the words that were said, will actually hold nothing but memories that filled the blank pages of our lives.
Like I told Ho Wai, I'm beginning to have alot of burdens for alot of things. But God has a way in everything, and I believe in change and revelation through Him. All the time, and every single day. It's more than having a burden, is doing something about it. And as his children, it's our due responsibility to serve others with a pure heart and intention.
Round and round the merry-go-round might go.
But I've already gotten off.
In Retrospect
Why don't you come right out and say it?
Even if the words, are probably gonna hurt, I rather have the truth than something insincere.
Why mind games? Why unsaid things?
It's actually so simple but yet we always make it so complicated.
Why don't we just verbalize, everything that we're trying to say.
So much easier.
Concentrated Sulphuric Acid
I'm really really really really really really really........................................
....
I don't know how you conceptualize this mood. It's like a mixture of desperation, relief, content, irritation and tiredness.
Let's call it printerjam. Cause this feeling feels a little like how a piece of paper in a jammed printer would possibly feel - stuck, trying to move forward, but in the midst of doing that, its getting ruffled and messed up everywhere else.
Yea.... I feel really printerjam.
I bet you don't know half of the things I'm saying right now. Sorry.. haha..
I have tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of prints to do by the end of next week. Let's just hope everything goes out well by then. Then i can bind the book in peace and we can all go for our well deserved holiday break (or not).
I think Steph and I will go on a long pants alteration frenzy... ahahahahaha... and it's bad cause I've not been looking through alot of design books recently. So I'm resorting to the norm stuff like the magazines outside some of the far east stores (e.g Juice). Zouk always has some amazing postcards, which is scary cause it shows how talented our seniors are.
The Upbeat Rhythm Can Overshadow You
Last night I had to most erratic time taking shots of my brother. One spotlight; minimal aperture and shutter speed.
Hoping the old machine churns out nice shots and not blurry or grainy ones.
Nothing much to say other than photography is expensive and a threat to your health sometimes.
FUEL CAMP was super good, and it touched people's hearts and that's what's important. I don't know much about life-changing experiences with the campers, but I'm glad that we all learnt from all the teachings. And suddenly everyone is meeting up everyone else for outings and stuff...hahaha that's really really awesome. The unity is set and ready to go. Just hope they will never forget the times they all have. It's too often that we forget about the friendships we forge after awhile. More about fuel when I'm free :]
Anyway, more about that soon. Right now I'm still up to my neck with rushing this module.
Anberlin and Copeland's coming to TOWWNNNN!!
Hahahaha... Seth is totally psyched. I know.
The holga shots are finally here. 2 out of the whole overexposed roll. :]
This sem's results were out today. I got 3.13 for GPA. Yeah, it's not what I expected at all... in fact, I did worse rather than inch closer towards my ideal 3.5. No point brooding about it, what's done is done. Blame it on my lack of time scheduling and my punctuality and my insensitivity to the lecturers' demands. I will try to work my way up.
Nevermind, I will work hard for this sem; I promise.
This afternoon was really a whole bunch of gossip overload.
And it's funny how Nat's always crazy and whacky but she's actually really smart as well. She knows how to see through people and I really think Mark really found his ideal girlfriend. Bravo bravo! Hahaha, I mean besides being super whacky, she has the heart for things that people would never know she has when they first see her. Nothing underlyingly condescending there, just glad that there's a REAL good match here in school, out of the many things that can go wrong. Out of the tons of things that people do in school that really concerns me, it's good to see someone you know have something about them that's worth giving credit for.
What we must do is pray pray pray for design school. I know I sound like some broken record, going day in and day out about praying for this and praying for that. But prayer changes things no? Prayer changes people that change things.
This whole drama about BGRs is beginning to tug some heart strings.
Especially when you have so many awesome female friends around, it's easier to fall into a trap i don't wanna be in. Not now. Not after all that has happened.
I really really hope I can last till after NS.
People 2
When we were younger, things never seemed to bother us.
We were happy, we were laughing, we hardly cried.
There were so little problems then. So much bliss and protection and understanding.
And then we grow up.
And then so many things began to flood in. The maturing starts to propel a painful process of joy, hurt, pain, peace, happiness, and it batters onto our hearts day in and day out. Constantly pushing us to our limits, constantly making us make difficult decisions. And we're left to always pick up the pieces that others shatter within us.
You reach a stage in life when you transit from adolescence to adulthood.
16, 17, 18, 19.... you grow older each year, and with each coming year comes more things to hold on to and to let go.
There are things in life I no longer understand and relate to.
There are things in life that I still am constantly trying to understand.
People expect you to grow up, and others expect you to be that same young son you were before. And there you are standing, caught in-between the ones you grew to love, and the ones who grew up loving you. Friends and family, both pulling you apart like a tug-of-war, expecting you to be 2 somebodies that you know aren't you right now.
***
One day, it will all be set right.
One day, I will grow up and learn to let go and hold on to the right things.
But for now, in the midst of these burdens, these tiring and restless nights, I give Him praise. Because I will never have reach where I am today without Him. And I lean my faith and hope on Daddy alone.
People
Amazing love.
Now what else shall I be?
Your Name brings life.
It's more than than the air I breathe.
Jeremiah 29:12-14
"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD.
***
You asked me today.
"What if I asked you to give everyone of those people you hold on to up, would you? Would you give up your cell? Your mentors? Your elder brother? The friends that you took a year to know. Would you give them all up right now, if I commanded you to,"
And I couldn't give You a reply.
But now I know what You've been wanting me to do.