Because
Because there is You, so there would be me.
Purge What's Within
I'm back from the weekend.
I don't have much words to portray how I feel, what was released, what was learned, was was painfully felt.
All I can say is I am exhausted.
It was the first time I felt love from a fellow human being. One who didn't condescend me, one who accepted all of the struggles and darkness that I used to have embedded in me, and still gave me a hug. One who knew everything about me, yet tried his best to understand and for 2 hours, took the form of my earthly father.
And it was the second time in my life I got hugged.
It was the first time I suffered so much within. The constant puking, crying, shivering, pain, traumas, and how much of what I originally thought of Him grew to become even stronger roots of His love. I will never forget how utterly desperate and bent over I was. It's like how you dig out all the pain inside, the amount of strength you need to muster just to be able to pull yourself through, the filling in and restructuring of your heart-strings. And when it's all over, you're nothing but absolutely enthralled to be weak and renewed. Succumbed by the spirit, thrown off-guard. Like a baby that knows nothing I begin again.
The jokes and the laughter I used to manufacture, the funny dance moves and teasings, all crumbled down. I don't know how and I can't pinpoint much - all I know is that something in me snapped, changed, went away, diffused, broke down, and has been reassembled.
And tonight.
I have forgotten all that you've placed me through, and I've forgiven you.
Goodnight dad.
Freedom.
SY wrote at 2:01 amFor This, Is Our Permanence
As the days fade away and another block ends, the reality that work has finally came to a periodic pause is beginning to seep in. I find it finally a little easier to breathe. To hold on to a foothold of reality and stay continuously in-tune with the fragmented bits that we call our actuality, I'm holding on to small bits here and there, but it's been getting constant.
After a whirlwind of goods and bads and goods and bads and goods again, there will always come a point in life when all these occurrences recede into our memories, and we find ourselves on stable, firm and content ground. It's like after the sun and the rain, the scorching heat and the pouring storms, you finally find a pleasant day when you exist on neither end of extremity. And the intermittence that has pass you by will start to lay itself into your heart and mind as foundations of wisdom and life experiences. We grow and we learn, so that one day we can give glory back to Him in total surrender.
This week has been just like that.
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P2 has finally ended. And the lecturers seem pretty engaged by my work so I can give a sigh of relief and praise God. It was edifying Liz and I prayed for blessings right before we presented, cause after she prayed for "the spirit of excellence" from Him to dwell in us, I really felt totally psyched. YES YAY WHOOHOO PEETOO HAS ENDED! NO MORE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AND EMPTY STOMACHS YO! So of course I have to thank Daddy for the COUNTLESS times I thought I forgot to bring something/lose something/impossible schedule and when I prayed - when I prayed - He totally turned the whole situation 180 degrees around and made it better than what I've expected. =D x 10000
Si-Y has been an amazing help. And I hope everyone else who has been through this crazy project journey with us can finally let loose their hair and throw their development files into the air and run around like a bunch of happy fools.
It has been tough cause sometimes we step on each other's toes here and there. And there were so many times that Justin guy (the year 3) irritated me and made me so mad at how elitist and ignorant a person can get. But all that has been put aside and forgiven, all left behind and love reminded. The amount of effort trying to be physically and mentally sound while stress increased at an exponential rate is almost impossible, but we've done it! So Thank God...
I remember how JT and I rushed like crazy at 9 pm trying to print our things at the school printshop before it was closed. And the stupid things we all talk about with everyone else, how there was a point of time I slept 4 hours a day only and I was also fasting for Day of His Power. And those were the days I couldn't feel my legs after 5pm. But through Daddy's strength, I've pulled through. :D The huge thing with Shona and her stolen macbook pro, Bernice's funny voice recordings, Kelle asking me to pose in the toilet, Stacy's plastic bag bangles, camping at MUJI at 9pm waiting for the shop assistants to get suitable white shoes for Clarence, the EXCESSIVE amount of subway we had these past 2 months, the constant Rihanna's Umbrella rolling of our caroling tongues every-single-day, the super good and awesome Printshop uncle, Alia's breakdown, skipping down the ramp at our entrance late at night, Cherine + SP's obsession with the Saw Trilogy, Pepper and her sporadic evanescences, Joel and always being a good constructive buddy (YOU DIDN'T PASS ME ALOHA hahaha), OSIP talk that got Viv and I thinking of going Japan for our internship at the end of this year.
Hoorah for our funstastic block system. That always keeps you on the edge of your seat with melodramatic moments packed everyday in the life of a VSC student in Temasek Design School.
But I still love design. :D
lubx it LeHxx hEEeExx
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I finally settled everything with someone a few nights ago. It was a long talk, and I've never expected it to turn out so fruitful, but I'm glad we had it and was so honest about it. We've both grown so much within this past one plus year I've known him. Now, after almost a whole year since the fiasco first began, I finally feel liberated completely. We've given one another new perspectives that if we have talked about a year ago, would never have amounted to all that has happened. But even if it was too late to salvage one friendship, he knows at least it wouldn't be for ours. Now I know the stand we took, and the emotional rollercoaster we all had to experience so many months back. No more fluctuations, no more skipping of steps, just growing steadily. :]
I'm content like this now...
It's 3.19 am in the morning. And soon the day will dawn again on another day. Yet this morning shall be different from the countless ones throughout these past two months. For it finally represents liberation, of steady and requited love, and of ceaseless pressure all coming to an end. This dawn shall be a hiatus that seeps through to the days to come.
And even though school shall begin it's merciless toil on monday with new faces, new lecturers and new work,
I'm living by this moment with Him. :]
our permanence
is only valid by Someone larger than our world's surmises.
And How Can We Not Be Moved By You
There are those that will hinder me from You.
Strongholds that mar the love that we share.
Pieces of me that I will have to painfully scrap away, fermenting shards I have to pull out of the the stricken ground of my heart.
One, by one, by one.
The world is a bleak place sometimes, with torn memories and gray areas so deep asunder no one finds their limitless ends.
Yet.
You still hold strong.
You are my everything, even through this.
Sheltered By Your Shadow
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler A thousand may fall at your side, Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place— For he will command his angels concerning you “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I'm back. Here again after so long and after so many events.
I know sometimes when I look back, I will still look back at this site. And so for now, I'll stay here instead of lj. It feels more like an old friend, it has the presence of familiarity I like to go back to once in awhile. A feeling I can't describe, a sense I cannot put into words.
Exhaustion slowly seeps in from alot of things that has happened thus far. And even as I lie here, with so much project work I have to finish, I still can't bring myself to do it. The work's all laid out nicely in the bag and on this table, and all I do is gaze at it, knowing I won't put my heart into it if I start on it now..
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Outside the world is sleeping a silent slumber.
I passed by three youngsters slumped over a park bench sleeping. Waiting for adolescence to slip them by. Wasting time because they have a life ahead to use it.
The usual uncles that seat by the coffeehouse even way after the shop has long lowered its shutters. Desperately clinging to time they have with one another cause they've experienced a lifetime knowing how valuable it actually is.
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Psalm 91
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only look with your eyes
and see the recompense of the wicked.
the Most High, who is my refuge —
no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
no plague come near your tent.
to guard you in all your ways.
On their hands they will bear you up,
lest you strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the adder;
the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”