02/06/2004
Its already Wednesday and I still haven't completed much on my art.. anyway, I'm just being a little pessimistic here.. after all that's happened that is. Yesterday I got my comp back, I really don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing because I pissed Shan Hui off again. He was angry with me for suddenly logging off while I was transferring a file from him, somehow since yesterday, I feel that whatever I do has to please him in a way or another, so I have to watch my words like *is it convienient for you to send me this?* instead of something like *send me the file leh* I'm just realy paranoid he gets angry with me.. since I was so shocked when we argued in the morning because of something I thought was neutral. Not that I'm not at fault here, maybe I was too insensitive and all, but having this thought he will be angry with me all the time... its paranoia..
If that's not depressing enough, I think Darrell blocked me on msn. Maybe Shan Hui told him something about the argument, and maybe YK spiced things up a little. Speaking about YK seems like his jealousy is really enraged, he backstabs me because he thinks I have a better life than him, well.. that is SO wrong, and he is really, really insensitive to other people.. make others wait, this and that without even giving a call (it has happened many times before) and then when he hurts someone already he then repents. I was really mortified that he was backstabbing me because even though we're no longer best friends I still counted him as a normal one, and now he does this. I really trusted him. I really really did, and after what's happened... I feel like you're never aware of betrayal.
Now, one thing I wished for, is a bottle of pills. I don't want to attempt suicide yet, but at least remain unconcious for a long long time... and just leave this world at peace. I would had done it weeks ago if I hadn't kept faith to God... I just want to sleep and never wake up, and when I do... I wished it was a nightmare.
a nightmare. but it isn't.