Pastures
When Pauline asked us a week back during cell, how far do you accept change? I just felt really dumbfounded.
And I still am.
Cause I don't think I can accept change. Not every single part of it. Recently, YK has suddenly resurfaced himself into my social circle (after two years of very random and rare communication), and the times when we were really close friends - that dated back in sec 2 - just suddenly came back to my mind. Well I sure don't wanna think about how we came into cahoots and how I screwed up the friendship. But all I can say that until now, he was my only true best friend. As in he was the only one that I felt most comfortable with in my own skin.
We used to call each other every other night and talk about girls, or really interesting stuff. He always seem to know alot...so he tells me alot of things I don't know, and trust me, I just gave my feedback on the information he carried in his brain. But it was fun, and he didn't press me for anything, we were just simply great friends. He was really something - he was the one that made me stay good and fun and cheerful. Perky little Shan Yu! Walks down, confidence oozing from everywhere! Because I have a friend who would always pick me up when I go down.
But I guess it doesn't mean much to him now does it? I mean I bet his girlfriend makes up a whole lot more than how much I mattered to him then. And I just wished I had his life; a girlfriend who would simply click with me - just like how he and I clicked together as friends.
And all I can blame is myself. I've screwed his life up then, and my own life up when we got off our friendship. A long story about how we detached ourselves from each other. It was painful.
But, he's moved on, and I should be moving on. Why, I've been standing at that very spot where I've failed him. And I can't seem to take a step forward. I've always tried to move straight on, but then seem to reverse and come back to the same spot. The very same spot when Yk and I weren't even friends anymore. Maybe because I've not yet found any other friend whose like that - really close. Close to the extent that everything can just come clean. That you won't have to hide secrets from one another.
I'm just tired. You know? From how everyone seems to be able to ditch the past and walk straight ahead into the future with no worries. While I worry about everything - about new friends, new environments, untable relationships, whatsoever. I'm scared of the past, afraid of the future. Maybe when you've invested into a deep friendship, you'll suddenly realise that when you've lost it, it doesn't feel the same anymore. Because you suddenly have faith that some people in this world actually take effort of their time to care about you, and then you hope that you'll always have that feeling.
I sometimes dream that I'd get a surprise birthday party. One where there's all the lights and champagne, in a small restaurant. And maybe a small group of people (maybe 10 close relatives and friends?) come together. Everyone's clapping, and smiling, and really glad that I'm here - on Earth - with them. And we'll all talk and laugh about happy times. And then play loads of games and sing karoake.
I know that doesn't happen in reality. But it definitely does appear in my dreams. Lol. It sounds crazy and lame and stupid. But that's kinda my affirmation to all my insecurities. But till then when it will actually happen I'll be a truly happy person....
Wait, or when I find the One Right Girl For Me. That too.