Situational Responses
I love situations.
Don't you love how things build up and a situation is formed? How something unexpected happens and a spark ignites to set something on fire. And no, I'm not saying all this because I'm in some deep shit - no situations have formed for me in the past few months.
But I do crave for something to screw up.
Not because I'm a perverse person with a freak-headed mindset, but because I think I had too much of the norm these past few weeks. And its getting boring, almost monotonous, there isn't anymore driving force to push on with life.
Well, there's God still right?
All I can say is that, I'm too tired of betraying his trust. I'm too tired for being angry with myself for not staying on track, reading my bible everyday, and loving Him. I always stop and sin before I think of the consequences. Somehow, this has become a vicious cycle - plummating into wrong-doing, getting back up, and then doing it again. He must really be heartbroken.
Maybe I do have a situation then. With God. with church. I think either I'm too unsociable in church, or that the people in church are unfriendly. Cause, it doesn't feel right... to just hang out with your churchmates only on Saturday. No one calls anyone else to chat on weekdays, no one wants to meet up for a movie, or sit down somewhere in starbucks and have a chat. There isn't commitment. We just find time on saturday, squeeze in cell group and service, worship, sing, pray, and then it's off to our busy lives again. For some reason, I feel like I'm being labelled The Worse Christian in cell, cause Pauline (My CGL) always seem to target her advice on me. Pauline is an adult, she's busy with her own ministry (since she is the head of a children's ministry), and I can understand she's juggling her exasperating work with us - a bunch of teenagers. And maybe because of that, she don't have time to sit down and actually be our friend. I dunno, there's no concern coming out of this.
Anyway, why am I lamenting about church? It's not like I'm such a perfect and wonderfuullll person to find fault in church. People always says there's no perfect church... sometimes, you'll have to compromise yourself to be in it. Myabe I should try compromising. You know sometimes I find myself always putting on a front, like before I left my Catholic church, I was convinced me - one person - would have the ability to change catholic ways around, and make the catholic community more fun and united. Stop all those people from just attending a Sunday mass, and then leaving for a God-forgotten week. But I couldn't. So Chia Shan Yu, what exactly on earth are you doing?
I don't want relationships in church to remain stagnant, and so what do I do? I'll just have to be a little more friendly, a little more open, and see how it goes. Take baby steps at a time. And try improving my relationships, instead of just saying I would.
If people still try to barricade themselves, then I guess I'll have to resort to change. No matter what, God is there. He'll show me what to do.
OK! I think I've said enough for one day. This shouldn't be up and about on the internet! What if I get ostracized by what I say? Oh no.... ahahaa.... okok enough about this. So goodnight for today! It's really getting late. 2.34 am. Lol