Come Undone.
Was up at 6 am this morning.
That's a record time of waking up for this year y'know. Considering I'm having holidays till April. Wahaha... I know... I just had to say it, to rub salt on the wound of those who aren't having holidays. But I miss school as much as you peeps! (Distant voice: "Yeah, right,") So work hard for your Final Years and 'O's and JCs!
I guess I really have alot of free time to spare.
Hmmm... I've started doing art again recently. Sketching, drawing, sketching, drawing. It's all effort to pack up a combo portfolio. When you go to Poly/University, you'll probably need a portfolio - consisting of artworks, sketches, paintings, photos - things you've compiled over the years. No.1, they want to see how skillful you are. No.2, they want to see how consistent you are in art. So I'm fretting trying to make out a cool one.
So I'll be visiting Ms Chua's art room pretty regularly from now onwards. I got a hunch I'm being too fake in the art room. Cause Ms Chua always sees me as a person whose very critical on everything. She called me aside during the day of O Level results and muttered, "Eh Shan Yu, later when you get the art O level results, don't make fun of anyone okay?"
She's a pretty good teacher, and hearing that from her is appalling. And I realise whenever I step into the artroom, I just switch faces into this very sarcastic and critical person. Trying to poke fun in everything. I admit that I'm fake, masked and unsure of myself. It's just sad to see myself being disliked for that. You know? Have you ever been maligned? I feel maligned. Although I pretty much made everyone dislike me. But I can't stop this evil side of me from surfacing, overwhelming my own self. He won't give up until it's got the limelight and destroyed everything I've tried building. Then in the end, he would have won, and everyone would think I'm incapable of being friendly.
Just the thought makes me unwell.
What you see written on this blog, is about everything you get from me. The real SY. The one whose taken his mask off at the end of the day, and whose taking the trouble to type a few silly words to justify himself.
People say I inject too much sarcasm sometimes. And I guess I do, and for all the times I have, I apologise.
You know, Pastor Jennifer was talking about being real in a fake world just last week. And I guess that was the closest topic that's ever been touched on for me. When I went up there to the stand, to confess my bogus self, I didn't cry, I didn't even tear. Everything just felt normal. Absolutely ordinary. As if I've been numbed of all my emotions. I'm sure that meant God wanted to distant Himself, and let me try to stand victor to my own fakeness.
Well, if you've reached this sentence. I must thank you for taking the trouble to actually read all these gibberish. I just felt like releasing alot of verbal diarrhea - more like texted-based diarrhea - so yeap! You've been a good buddy to actually spend 10 minutes of your youth here. :]
From one person in a sea of people