Please..
Help.
It felt so rude today, and I was shouting for him to stop making fun of me. Stop his childish escapades that he knows pisses me off - but would still do it. I'm trying my best to be a good elder brother, but I feel like whatever words I've said to him to make him learn and grow well are just falling on deaf ears. After I give him a long life talk, he would remain silent.. then the next day he's back to his imp-ish self.
The next few weeks is going to be hardcore praying for my brother, that he'll accept Christ during Sept 2. But what he shows me is obsolete recently.
He's so prankful, so demanding, so critical, so vulgar, so absolutely childlike, I wonder if he'll even absorb the words spoken and the songs sang during YES 2. I wonder if he'll even comprehend the message Jesus is trying to tell him. I know he's 11 years old, but he doesn't act his age - I'm not being sarcastic... I mean it. I'm worrying, I'm so worried he won't get saved I think I'm freaking myself out. I want to see him grow up in Christ, before he finds himself struggling during secondary school life without God - like how I did. I don't want that to happen to him. I don't want to see him get bullied by some huge rugby punk and have no one to turn to. Then I worry about even if he did get into church. Would he click with the other kids? Or would he give up halfway and don't want to go to church anymore.
And not having a christian family background, just makes it worse. There's no one in this fight with me for his salvation. No one. My mum is a very discreet catholic, my dad is a buddhist. It's like when you wanna ask someone older for advice, or for consolation, nobody is there to lend a helping hand, or at least sit down with me and do a long private chat about what to do. I don't know how to grow in God cause there's no one there to tell me how to. I can't tell things to my mum without getting irritated - she's never listening... she shuts off everything she doesn't want to hear. And my Dad is the silent guy... the guys who don't talk about deep things. So in this path towards drawing closer to God, it feels dead lonely.
I want to do my QT right. I want to draw closer to Him. With every single step. I try really hard, I do. But it feels like I'm getting nowhere. Like when everyone is saying, "Oh, God has help me in this, this this and that," I'd think to myself, "Wow. I wish I could feel His presence just like you did," cause it feels like a void inside sometimes. Like the God shaped hole had never been filled. I'd cry out to Him - God, why are you making things so hard for me? I just want to worship you, and draw closer to You. But it feels like you're at the end of a million kilometre race. I wish so much it wasn't.
I still trust in God. And I have the faith... faith that God would pull me through, pull everything through. But I don't know if I can go through this by myself.
Just felt like breaking down today. I can't remember when I last did.
Sorry for posting this. And unfortunately, there's no one there to help me out yet. If you have faith in God, please, please please..
pray for me.