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Just let everything stop turning. I can't catch up.
Don't leave me behind to wrestle with this world. I won't be able to take it.
If only everything came down to a heave of a sigh.
Dear Shan yu,
You are a funny guy, an excellent conversation opener, but I don't know you.
I see you smile and laugh and make merry and tease people, but I don't know who you are.
I look at you in the mirror and see someone so different from me. But I guess it's the way things are. I wish I was really like you; cheerful and happy. But I'm not. There's a hole I cannot fill in my heart.
It drinks away all my energy, my energy to try make an effort. There's something in my life that's not right. It's not right I feel so cold and so ignorant of things around me. There's something that's blocking me from taking over you. So in turn, you're the guy everyone sees and talk to everyday, and I'm inside you somewhere, wishing I was the one.
At night, I feel like calling someone and talking for hours on end on random things. Laugh about red balloons and turquoise guitars. But no one can do that. At night, I feel like taking long walks down from my house to somewhere obscure with someone, and we'll just walk beside random people we meet, pray for them as we exchange swift glances, and smile at each other.
I'll do the things I want to do. I would sit by the beach and compose worship songs until daybreak. And just sing of His glory.
Right now, people have done things to me that makes me think about my life all over again. I don't know who my real friends are anymore. So many come and go. Life goes on as normal, but I linger behind. I look at people who smile and laugh and I wish I was like that. But no. There's nothing in life that makes me laugh anymore.
But you. You talk and you're insensitive. And you only show the worse of me. You're always just caring about yourself and making a mark in people. I wish I could overtake you.
So this is the real sy. Hidden somewhere under all this stress and brokeness.
I'm not funny, I'm not handsome, I'm not charismatic. I find orange cars damn funky. I don't do silly things and laugh at myself. I like the colour blue, I love monday mornings. My favourite time is before a storm, when the large black clouds roll in and you feel the majesty of God. I can't fold my clothes and I stitch - but very horribly. I like counting stars. I think the golden ratio is such a cool cool thing.
This is me. Behind this other self I have.
And right now. I'm dying inside myself.