Over And Under
As the year draws down to an end, I feel like I've aged alot.
I could rant all night but I won't. I'm tired enough these few days.
Everyday is a new challenge in itself. Every morning is fresh, and every night would be so stale. Now life's a monotonous cycle. I meet a group of friends, I laugh with the group of friends, and I go home with the group of friends. It's great in the sense, but then I don't have life.
Sy, sy, stop wearing your masks.
Stop pretending everything is okay. It really isn't.
I remember those days when I was so erratic. When I would talk really loud, and be blunt at people, and use all those vulgar words that I don't even dream about saying right now. That sy used to make crude jokes and talk bad about other people. He used to challenge teachers and his parents. That shan yu was bad, and rude, a tyrant and a loudmouth. He was a hooligan in the making.
But at least he was strong.
He wasn't like me, so world-weary and tired and weak. He was strong-willed.
If only you all had any idea how much I went through, to become who I am now. How much effort it took, to become like this now.
What would he say when he look at me now. Two years down the road in life.
Sometimes I look into the mirror and I can no longer see myself. I see this other person I've never seen before. Someone whose insecure, whose old friends have deserted him, whose barriers and masks he had spent a lifetime building are getting crashed down and broken into pieces. And no one's there to tell him what to do. This can't be me. Can it?
I would never have made a scene in front of people a year ago.
I would not have did what I did near anyone in sight.
I've never cried so badly this year than any.
I've never lost so many relatives at one go.
I would never have had feelings so strong for anyone before.
I've never been this bothered or hurt.
What kind of a guy would I turn into? Cause right now, I don't even know who I am. Sometimes I'm loud, sometimes I don't want to talk at all. Some things affect me more than I allow myself to show. Sometimes I pretend, sometimes I can't.
I hate the way I'm like this now. I want my old self. The one who didn't care and wouldn't be bothered and wouldn't be so affected. The one who hid things from everyone.
As this year comes to an end. I'm not yet sure of myself to say I'm happy.
It's time to make the fullest out of it.