Venus in a Flytrap
Since I won't be around, I guess I'll leave you with a long post.
The weather is erratic today. The skies plummate rain, holds back, and does a drizzle, and then a deluge again. It's as if it's going through an emotional breakdown - Hanif says. And I agree, it does.
On rainy days like these, where the window-panes are trinkled with tiny water droplets, the rain showers slowly and silently outside, the smell of damp soil and rain fills the air. It's all good. It's quiet, and it's all good. It reminds me of those days when I was in primary school, and I would catch earthworms in ziplock bags with Asanul, and the maid I use to have would come fetch me after school, her scrawny figure huddling the large umbrella. And she would pass me a blue cap. I would wear that cap, and run in the rain and laugh just to spite her. I know she would eventually complain to my parents and I would get a scolding for being reckless, but I'd still do it. Cause I was me. I was happy, so happy I couldn't care less of the world.
That was 9 years ago. 9 years ago, I made promises with myself that I would never grow up. Never become a hard-hearted adult with their leather shoes and their long sleeves and emotionless faces. I will always remain happy and catch spiders and read books aloud all day long. But look where I am now.
I'm learning how to be all grown up.
I wish I could keep those old promises, but I can't.
Sometimes life expects alot out of us huh? I've always wanted to give my all for everything, I wanted to control everything. But it's not that way. Things and situations and consequences have amounted to this. This person growing up, this person aging, this person stepping into new thresholds he has never stepped on before.
Those days when things were more numbed, when I would not allow hurt to reach into me. I know I wasn't happy, but at least I wasn't allowing anyone in.
I remember when I grew a little older, I would lock myself up in the room. And cry. For no reason, and for all reasons. How I was being bullied in school, how I was bullying others back, how I pretended to be cool. With my untucked shirt and coarse language, how I went around hurting others with insults. How teachers always said I was useless, how my friends ganged up against me, how they backstabbed me. And when I went home I would feel so worn, cause I knew something was wrong with all these, but I don't know how to stop it. The times it hurt so much I would actually feel the stinging pain, gasping for breath, crying out to the little I knew about God then, how come it amounted to this.
So I thought of permanently ending everything.
If it wasn't for Ben, I would have really found those sleeping pills and ate them all.
If it wasn't for him, maybe I wouldn't even be here.
That was 2 years ago.
If i had really died then, then maybe I wouldn't even be here telling you how things are better.
It's been tougher than anything being Christian. There's been times where falling is inevitably harsh, and it's so messed up. I get these trials that I really don't want to have, and then I get stumbled on them. Really complicated relationships, really complicated situations, drawbacks, comebacks, it's been one helluva ride. But you know what, I'm so much more satisfied with myself and God. Cause in the process I got to know alot alot more about Him. And I pray alot more now, and I know there's a lot of things that just can't be scientific coincidences.. it's Him at work.
Sometimes God expects something out of you, that is bigger than what you think you can do. And you would struggle and gasp and hyperventilate to meet that mark, cause you promised someone and you promised yourself you wouldn't give up. And eventually you will get to it.
I did. And I am so glad I did.
16 years of radical living. All coming to an end. 16 years of doubts and pains and fear and insecurities. And He says let go of them all and embark on a new life with Him.
So here I go. The new year marks something different.
Something that's bigger than this.
Someone whose going to be better than what I am.
The rain starts pouring again, and the wind blows in gently. Red-tinted night sky, flickering lights on the opposite block, whispering crickets and sleeping children.
I'm really thankful for you. If it wasn't because of them, we wouldn't have gotten to know each other like we do now. So thanks for everything you've done, you should know who you are.
As for the ones I can't bear to face now. I thank you too, for trying. Disappointment is there.. and I know my feelings are undermined. So I let go. I'll keep a space just in case I get hurt again. I don't expect anyone to be there for me, and I certainly won't expect you to anymore. What is love when it is selfish? Nonetheless, thanks for trying.
It's a cold night. Take care of yourselves.
Sweaters for the posies and socks for the roses.