I Will Lift My Eyes
Another week has just zoomed passed.
I'm typing this with very heavy eyes, that have been going through tons and tons of pdf, ppt, word files, websites, pictures, the whole night. And that was before the long nap, and that was before understudies jamming.
Jamming's cool, it always is. You know, there is absolutely NO point for me to be all proud and all just because I'm a vsc student and I dress like one and I listen to the kinds of music that most of us listen to. And just because of that, it doesn't automatically make me a cool kid, the kind who go watch gigs and paint their nails black, and know all the bands from AVA to Zolof the rock and roll destroyer. But I'm just plain old boring sy. Never really had a band, never had jamming sessions with people out of church, never liked metal that much. I've tried living that life, forcing myself and seriously - There is no point, to say that I'm an avid music hardcore because I'm not. I just like my indie and christian music.
I'm not cut out for leading. At least not yet. Because I don't even have that passion, that passion I see Chris and Josh ignite with when they lead. Humbly I say that I really have loads to learn from everyone. And I'm really tired trying to meet my own expectations out of myself. I'm just not there yet.
Sometimes, I feel like just slapping myself. "Shan yu you are just plain you, not that talented, not that much of a leader, not that friend, stop trying so hard. You are an over-sensitive guy, start to learn to become a normal guy," Normal guy? What does that mean, I dunno.... but I hear a part of me telling myself that everyday. And I guess maybe these days I have been really just pushing and pushing myself over the limit, and that's why I feel so worn out now.
I am not composed. I confess, I don't have the answers for everything.
I am just plain old Shan Yu. After trying to be a joker, a social misfit, an introvert, I am still just me. And tonight, I come bare, with no agendas, no schemes, no expectations.
Hello people.
My mum told me I have to go have an eye checkup soon, I'm beginning to have distorted vision. And tonight, it just seems to be worse.
Tomorrow, we'll be collaborating all the slides and stuff. Another tough day after a tough day, and it just goes on and on. But I have my Dad and I will make sure that I honour Him every single moment I can. He will be there, and He will just take his hand and shield me and you (yes you) from all the harsh things that might come ahead.
3.11 am.
As usual, please don't ever sleep later than I do because it's no good for your eyes.
Goodnight, and God bless.