The Return
I figured I like car rides.
I don't get to sit in cars often. Today was an exception because my uncle drove us home from a great awesome meal at a japanese restaurant near novena. And I remember when I was younger, my cousin and I will sit in my other uncle's car, with his wife. And we would sit on opposite ends next to the windows. And just stare outside for hours without talking.
When I grow up, maybe I will get a minivan. And drive myself around at night, to make up for the times I've not been taking this form of transport. And by myself, listening to lush 99.5, I will drive to changi to get a late night snack, drive near to the airport, and watch as the airplanes take off one by one. Like the same flashes of orange, red and white, diminishing into the dark night sky.
Isn't life so simple when you imagine it? But so much more complex when you are actually in it. And I've been blown off guard so many times already, I'm getting so tired of life. Of people. Of the things they can do and they cannot do.
This afternoon at my grandma's. She took out a photo album and showed us Josephine and I when we were younger. Those happier times, the happy smiles and the cute, chubby faces. I was holding her hand because they told me to. And I beamed because they told me to. But I looked happy.
I'm surprised me to see my own beaming face those years back. Staring straight back at me, as if to convince me that what life I'm leading now can never compare to the times back then.
And I sat down to flip through all those photo albums. Of the times when Josephine and I were close, and the whole family were together. When we went for excursions and we had our picnics in sentosa. Eating ham sandwiches, flying kites, taking crazy photos, being so exctied about the moving travellators inside underwater world.
.
.
.
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I think i will go back to them. Return back to my family, instead of puttng so much commitment outside. They are the only ones now that I can safely say care for me.
I'm no longer sure about the rest.
I will take a step back from church. And just stay far enough, so that the things that happen in it no longer hurt me.
Indifference now. Because there is no use crying myself to sleep every night.