A Lifetime's Disappointment.
Dad and Mum. I'm old enough. You've hurt me enough with your blunt words, your judgemental accusations, your silence. Even as I'm crying now, you both just pretend nothing's wrong.
What makes you think I will grow up to be a spendrift? A brand junkie who only cares about the high life and forget about giving back to the society? What makes you think I'm a slacker? Someone who just coops myself at home and laze around; not washing dishes, not hanging clothes, not doing housework? What makes you think my life is easy and happy and filled with all the contented things in life? What makes you think I'm still that kid you all can spout bad things about behind his back?
If you've thought that, then I'm so sorry to say that that's definitely not who I am. At least not who I am anymore.
All I want, is to have your support. That's all I want.
Even if you one day cannot pay for the things I want and need.
As long as you show me you loved me, those things would never matter.
Dad, you scolded me today for the things I buy. The way I only go for brands. The way I spend so much. But I don't really buy alot of branded things, I don't shop much. I don't go shopping everyday and come back with bags of things I would never wear. I can't help it if my course demands resources. Resources that need money. I'm sorry that my laptop needs a better case, I'm sorry photo paper costs me 60 bucks at one go. But these are things I can't help.
And you never ever tell me what you disapprove about me to me. All you do is gossip behind my back to my mum. How does that change things? I'm mature enough to take your criticism. But then again, you never talk to me. The only times we communicate is when you find fault in me. No praises, no support, no thumbs up. We can be in the same house and not talk for days. And when I try to say something to you you give me silence back.
You never ask about my life, so how can you judge me to say I'm lazy and idle? Do you know how much craziness I've been through these few months to get to this point? You know how many projects I had to rush? How many responsibilities I have to carry? How many times I tried looking for a job before you accused me today of not getting one on purpose? You don't. Because you never asked why I cry myself to sleep, because you never asked how I was when I come back with a worn and sad face. Just fault-finding conversations. Just fault-finding conversations.
All you do is silently walk away. And I've been trying so hard to erase what I thought a father should be. I've been trying so hard to forgive you for the times you caned me and scold me for things I did not do when I was a child. I've been trying so hard to take away this void you left me, that grew bigger and bigger with each passing year.
It's like you were never there for the last 14 years of my life.
But it doesn't matter to you, does it?
Because to you, I'm always the son whose never home. Whose always selfish and unkind and unfriendly. I'm the one to blame when things at home are spoilt. I'm the one to scold when I'm out doing my work until late at night. I'm the one whose having work-filled sleepless nights, and get disapproving glances in the morning. I'm not like Shan Kuan. The younger son of yours who you doted from young, who you hardly cane, who is happier and more extrovertial than I am.
I'm so so tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere. Not even in this place I call 'home'. For what is home? When all we do is exchange silences and arguments?
All I truly truly want, is your support. Your reassurance, your 'it's going to be okay,'s. That's all I want. Because no other person in this world gives me that. And it's so hard to go out there into the harsh world, and come back to find another. I feel so isolated sometimes, but you wouldn't care. Because you think by paying for my needs is good enough.
God, if you could just show me Your love right now. Because I'm so tired, so tired of feeling neglected and rejected and not belonged. I'm so tired of the accusations they place on me. God please take away these neverending tears right now, because I want to be in Your love. And only Yours.
Let all these pain and hurt fade as the years go by. For I pray for a better future, for a better bond between them and me, and I cling on the hope that you will restore things in this family. I pray for Your hand to be on all of us. To take away the accusing eyes and the yelling and the bad tempers. Even my bad temper.
For everything is made perfect in Your love.
And I trust only You right now.