Purge What's Within
I'm back from the weekend.
I don't have much words to portray how I feel, what was released, what was learned, was was painfully felt.
All I can say is I am exhausted.
It was the first time I felt love from a fellow human being. One who didn't condescend me, one who accepted all of the struggles and darkness that I used to have embedded in me, and still gave me a hug. One who knew everything about me, yet tried his best to understand and for 2 hours, took the form of my earthly father.
And it was the second time in my life I got hugged.
It was the first time I suffered so much within. The constant puking, crying, shivering, pain, traumas, and how much of what I originally thought of Him grew to become even stronger roots of His love. I will never forget how utterly desperate and bent over I was. It's like how you dig out all the pain inside, the amount of strength you need to muster just to be able to pull yourself through, the filling in and restructuring of your heart-strings. And when it's all over, you're nothing but absolutely enthralled to be weak and renewed. Succumbed by the spirit, thrown off-guard. Like a baby that knows nothing I begin again.
The jokes and the laughter I used to manufacture, the funny dance moves and teasings, all crumbled down. I don't know how and I can't pinpoint much - all I know is that something in me snapped, changed, went away, diffused, broke down, and has been reassembled.
And tonight.
I have forgotten all that you've placed me through, and I've forgiven you.
Goodnight dad.